On the Course of Love

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By the time you read the title, I am pretty sure you are already asking to yourself.

“Seriously, Fem?”

No worries, I always ask the same thing over and over again, too.

But yes, I am deadpan serious about this. In fact, when I told one my closest girl friends, she congratulated me saying “OMG, finally my friend has a healthy love-life!”

 Spoiler alert: it is not healthy

Another spoiler: no, I haven’t found a tremendous boyfriend to accommodate all my needs and being a thinking partner. Chill.

So, what’s new?

Being a reader almost all my life, reading romance fiction especially, I grew up thinking that I can always make an assumption of how a love story will turn out. Oh, this one is not love, just a pure lustful desire. This one is just one hour crush on one guy. And so on. Pretty much that made me hold a high standard for what my future significant other would be. And this is true. A research recently said that when you read lots of romance, you would hold a higher standard when searching love.

A downside of being a reader, eh?

And that’s what happened. I discussed loooot of things about this matter in between non-contextual chatter with my friends; how a relationship works and what an ideal relationship should be. Being an adult (well, technically yes if you see my ID), the idea of love surely changed from puppy love into the mature one. Observing those sweet couples I found on my campus, they all shared the same similarity; that their relationship, instead of limiting every of their moves, free them. Being with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t spend your time with others. Relationships should make you grow, rather than casting shadows on your personal growth.

Again, this is true as what I found in Fromm’s The Art of Loving:

“Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's integrity, one's individuality; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity.” 

Thanks to my friend who said to me one night—“Let’s be realistic, if there’s another one who is better than what you have now, why bother sticking to the old one?”—that I discover; I don't dump my feelings completely in the face of making decision. To my surprise, I realize I don't rely to my rationality and logic 24/7 (hence, that explains the emotional attachment I'm currently having). Instead of being sad, I was amazed at this discovery. Although I remain being cordial for those who don’t know me personally, I am very much all fluffy inside.

Even so, I still believe the notion that comparing yourself to other people’s story is not healthy; no matter how many excuses you make up that comparison will make you grow, it’s a big no-no. When a friend told me that she just hooked up with a guy I know only in the course of one month, being a reflective and anxious creature that I am, I looked back to what happened to me. Am I being so clueless? Is he not the one that you really want to be with? To the extent that I asked, did I lose the momentum to do so?

To be frankly honest, losing the momentum causing you and the one you want to be with to fall in the spectrum of friendzone, said the society. The general idea of friend zone is that you cannot form a deep, intimate relationship with him/her. Why do our society prize lover so high rather than friendship? Luckily (and much a coincidence), Alain de Botton shared here why should we change our general idea of making a grandiose out of romanticism.

My skepticism led me through philosophical questions such as; what do relationship serve? And I came to the conclusion that marriage is such an absurd concept, yet it is inevitable for us to function normally in this society without it. Why should we constrain every of our actions, devoted solely to one person for a lifetime? As said by Alain:

"Imagine if we questioned the wisdom of expecting that we should get everything from a single person over a lifetime; that we should live in a small apartment and raise 2 children in cramped conditions, working all the time, cut off from friends and family and collective support and identity – and that this could really meet all our desires for community, curiosity and togetherness."

Let alone if that person is what you deemed as the right person, what if you know that he/she is a wrong person to marry and you can’t accept that?

While I am here, maybe you want to read another Fromm’s concept of love that soothes me:

“Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.” 

This concept said that “not that you want him/her to reciprocate your actions, but knowing that doing so make you happy and serve you a sense of purpose”. I know, it is hard to be at this point. I am still learning how to make peace when your expectations didn’t meet what you have dreamed. Although a realistic person would say that this is such a naïve notion, I would prefer to say that this is the safest purpose in the terms of love, at least for the time being.

Also, I do think label and statuses are unnecessary when the goals of relationships have met between the two. It is more like what you feel rather than what you want to be perceived by people. So enjoy my friends, those who are undergoing a relationship that is neither a friendship nor romantic one. The good news is: you always have your time to nurture the growth of it. To love is to persist, as my friend Naufal said.

So what do you say? What's your take in love?