First Year Recaps

(some of this was written between March-April)

"So, how's your college life been?" asked a girl who majored in music who drove me through that breezy night. The wind blew my face softly, with the raucous streets around my campus at 8 pm. I sighed and thought a few things before I could say, "Well, it kinds of..awesome." Then, I got to explain her the summary of what I had done and will be doing as a literature student, in which she replied with enthusiastic tone and vehement nodding.

The situation I encountered that night was sort of unusual for my usual self. I was working on some project with some people and I've never thought that making friend was, well, pretty easy. I always think that I am no good when it comes to making friend and such, so this very fact amazed me. Growing up by spending most of my time in the home, a mundane task of making friends has been quite dreadful for me.

Looking back, it kinds of funny to remember how I always organize things in my head, this also applies to friendships. I divided my friends according to the same encounters/things we share. Classmate friends, group project friends, primary school friends, angkot (some sort of public city car) friends, jogging friends, etc. I had those many moments when I didn't have any idea on who should I contact when I just had released a new post on my blog. Or, that another time when I got noticed by one of my favorite authors. Had I realized that I was the one who built the wall, I would be kinder and thankful for their very existence.

This, again, reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend on a football field years ago. She pointed out one football player and asked me. "Hey, that's your friend, right?" to which I smugly replied, "Umm, yeah. But nope, we are not friends anymore. We never talk that much in and outside of class.". Remembering this thing made me chuckled.

I now slowly understand that friendships and other seamless human connections cannot be defined solely by logic. These all beautiful intertwining threads between people need compassion, hardships, understandings, jokes, and whole lots of time and ocean-wide of tolerance. It is only a matter of time that we should understand if a relationship doesn't work, don't keep on weeping or having a grudge over it. We have the power to change and we all deserve the kind of love we give to people. Eight billion people and just imagine how many threads we can seam again? (let's abandon the fact that we adults are awkward when making friends)

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My home is quite near to my college, just 2 hours drive by car or motorcycle. However, I didn't come home very often as my friends'. Not that I did not miss my home, I did. A lot. It is just that acknowledging the fact that I have so much freedom over what I do here in my college tempts me. Mind you, I grew up in a family that—how to put it?—quite overprotective on anything their daughters do (I have said it in the previous post by the way). I always wait for tomorrow to come, curious on how this day would end and what kind of small surprises I'd find along the way. I finally do things I really want to do (in case you're reading this, no mom I didn't do anything ridiculous. I swear! PS: and I do love you!)

I learn that the ability one should have learned when s/he is away from home is self-sufficiency. I realized that this is important after going through many sleepless nights full of thoughts. You know, the kind of nights when you are already done with all your assignments, already wash your feet and brush your teeth and climbing over your bed, tried to close your eyes but your minds wander far. Too often my fears would come to my head. What ifs and second-guessing about the future, both the near or the long one. That left me awake until morning comes, to the point sometimes I skipped morning classes to compensate for my sleeping hours that were lost. Oops.

If I were asked to summarize this first year with one word, the first word that came up to me would be: mind-boggling. Recaps of what I did last year were: got to take part on some sort of art exhibitions, took some photos on the street, late night heart-to-heart talks with endearing people, hours of WhatsApp phone call, attending discussions all by myself, and meeting-slash-working with people whose souls are beautiful. Sure, when hearing other people great stories, I feel depleted and nothing in my first-year life is worth to be proud of. However, I learn that I should thank myself for every tiniest achievement I had done in my life. Each of them made up on who I am today. It is tiring to always hate myself when I think I see no personal growth. If there is one thing I want to push myself this following year, is to be more risk-taking self, without blindly abandoning the consequences that it follows.

To close this post, let me quote an adage I found last year; when you wander too far and soar your wings too high, keep your soul uprooted to the soil where you belong.

That's being said, here to a more mindful, compassionate, and brave self.

(while you are here, you might want to check my other safe haven here where I write mostly in Indonesian about life and stuff, cheesy poems I wrote, photos, and reflections. I just got back to Tumblr last month, shout out to friends who help me with VPN thing! This old lady here is reaaally bad with tech. Oh, and I also write book reviews again here.)